I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
