he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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