Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
