I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you would pick up someone in the library
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
