between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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