i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
