i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
