I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
