youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize