Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
