Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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