I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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