after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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