I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
