guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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