I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
