i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
