how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
