i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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