i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
