speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
