the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
