hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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