i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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