I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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