My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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