Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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