I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
