My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
