I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
