Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize