hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
