I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
