Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
