Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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