Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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