booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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