How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
