you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
