sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
