Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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