She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
