When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I need to align my fucking chakras
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
