just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
