why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
