Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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