Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
