I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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