Can i not drive my cunt home
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
