How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I currently don't understand fingers.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
