How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
