Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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