alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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