I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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