I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
