my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
