god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
