If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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