News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
