Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize