i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
