I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
