my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
