Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
