we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
