Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize