If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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