I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
